i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
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