I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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