I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
