I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
