I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
