Your face is a jimmy john
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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