I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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