my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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