I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
