Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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