If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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