is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
