I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
