Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
