you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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