On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sext me about skeletons
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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