I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
