I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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