good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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