I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Little spoons don't ask big questions
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
