got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
