I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
