I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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