That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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