I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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