Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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