I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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