Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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