and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
