I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
