is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
