My sheets look like a crime scene.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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