I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
