Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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