everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
