Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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