My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
