everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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