he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
