I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
