Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
