My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
