I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
