god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
