You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
