Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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