so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
