Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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