mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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