I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
