I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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