wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Sheβs the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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