Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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